We have just reached the tail end of what was my first official vegetarian Shabbat, and I must say that my husband/guest (Shloimie) seemed none the worse for it. On the menu was Rice and Bean Soup, Zucchini and Eggplant Lasagna, a Tofu/Veggie Quiche, Sweet Potato Pie and my whole-wheat Challah. While it was definitely a change from the norm, it was really refreshing to do something different. So, yay.

We are t-minus 9 days to Operation Homecoming and I now have one suitcase three-quarters packed. I am starting to get really excited about coming back to the States but am trying to temper myself, knowing that while change can be exciting, the initial rush does wear off and routine sets it, bringing with it all the challenges you were able to ignore in the chaos of travel. Still, the joy of seeing my family and settling back into someplace familiar I hope will be a balm of sorts for me and offer some sense of settling before the new baby comes.

Amongst the mini-library that Yonah received from Uncle Josh and Auntie Katherine for Channukah was a book by P.D. Eastman (one of Dr. Suess’s pen-names, by the way) called “Are You My Mother?”. It’s a standard favorite which many of you have probably read, but if you haven’t, the Cliffs Notes version is that a baby bird emerges from his egg to find his nest empty and goes on a journey to find his mother. He asks a variety of different animals if they are his mother, which they are not, and eventually finds himself back at his nest, where his mother comes home bearing grub for him. Yonah handed me the book to read to him yesterday and in the middle of it, I suddenly burst into tears. I am that baby bird, traveling around the world and seeking for that sense of “home” that only my mother could provide for me. The only difference is that when I come home, she won’t be there waiting for me. However, the home she made is still there and waiting to be filled with family. So I’ll do the best I can with mine.

I’m reading a fantastic book called “Bread and Fire”, an anthology of essays by Jewish women about the experience of being a Jewish woman. These women are from all different facets of life, some observant, some not, some straddling the line. Some are career women, others stay-at-home mothers. But each has something incredibly deep and touching to say about this identity into which we have been born, and all the power and responsibility that comes with it. I found one essay in particular to be so sweet and moving; it was about a woman who has been struggling with infertility for over six years, and finally, having tried everything, she is down to one last option. Based on a teaching of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, the author makes the decision to mentally put herself in the place she wishes to be, meaning, instead of identifying herself as a “childless woman struggling to have children”, she thinks of herself as “a mother of a large family, Thank Gd, who is waiting for her children to come home”. The essay is really a testament to the power of positive thinking. Now, I know this doesn’t guarantee that this woman will ever have children; she says so herself in the essay. But imagine the sense of peace and contentment that must come with a decision like that. Imagine truly believing that your goals have already been accomplished; you’re just waiting to see them in front of your eyes. So, I’ve decided to take it on for myself. I have been telling myself, “I am a person who fully trusts Gd and who knows she is being taken care of”. By placing myself in that reality, I can slowly ease myself out of the fear-based freak-outs that come when I think about money or jobs or the welfare of my family and all of those future phantoms over which I really have no control. Also, the good thing about my goal is that it’s already true. Deep down, I am someone who has faith and knows she is being taken care of; I just forget that when my mind gets in the way. But for today, I will try something different and see if I can bring that inner reality into my outer reality.