The thing that I love most about you, my faithful readers, is how forgiving you are. Certainly you understand that I have been swept up in sisterly fun for the past few days and our internet has been moody (again), so I have not found the time to write. I know you’ll also find it in your heart to have patience for a poor young mother whose son is no longer interested in taking afternoon naps, so by bedtime the possibility of putting together a coherent thought is pretty slim.

Now that I’ve appealed to your highest selves, I am pleased to report that the past few days have been awesome. Shira and I have been having a ball, Jerusalem-style. Thursday morning (Shira’s first here after a late-night Wednesday arrival) I brought Shira to the Shuk, where she sampled olives, dried fruits and we got her some persimmons, a rare find in the States. We filled up my rolling suitcase with all kinds of gorgeous produce in preparation for Shabbat and then shlepped over to the Mercaz to get the rest of the fixings we needed. Shira loaded the rest of our treasures (including some Israeli chocolate and Bissli for her to take back with her) in her backpack and helped me haul everything home. It was such a delight getting all the shopping done by Thursday afternoon. As Shira said, “It’s always easier with two”. I suppose that’s true, unless one of them is under the age of 2.

Day two, Friday, found me cooking up a storm for Shabbat. Shira and Yonah spent most of the day playing together on the floor, continuing their beautiful lovefest which began when he was born. Shira gets a kick out of her nephew’s happy little personality and Yonah is LOVING his grown-up playmate. I was amazed that he was able to recognize her from all of our visits on Skype, but from the time Shira arrived Yonah acted like another one of the family was in the house. What can I say? My kid’s a genius.

Friday night we had my two brothers-in-law and our friend Chai for dinner and Shabbat lunch we took Shira to Rachel, Daniel and Shmuel Yaakov’s. The conversations at both tables was animated, of course, but I couldn’t help but be hyperaware of how Torah- and Judaism-centered they were. I suppose at this point I’m used to it, but having Shira at the table, I couldn’t help but remember that this world can seem like an anomaly to someone from the secular world. Shira, being the confident woman powerhouse she is, was more than happy to take it all in and even posed some challenging questions to the group, which of course made me brim over with pride.

One topic in particular made for some loaded conversation: Shidduch dating. In the Orthodox World, there is a custom that eligible young men and women are set up in a shidduch (match) to date with the intention of getting married. It is taught that it is “not good for man to be alone” and that an individual is unable to reach his/her fullest potential without being married. A wife is considered a man’s “ezer k’negdo” (a helper fit for him), meant to help him grow into his best self, and a woman’s ultimate realization is as a wife and mother. So, no wonder that Orthodox people are in a rush to hit the chuppah. The process of Shidduch dating can be an intense one; Families go through each other’s histories with fine-toothed combs to make sure they are getting the creme de la creme in-law situtation. Some couples go on only a few dates before deciding to tie the knot while others may date for a few months before opting to take the plunge. Once a couple gets engaged, they can be married as quickly as a few weeks later. One of the reasons that the process can go so quickly is that Orthodox Jews are Shomer Negiah, meaning they do not touch people of the opposite sex outside of their families. If a couple is engaged for an extended period of time without being able to touch each other, it can become very challenging. Details aside, it is a VERY different type of dating scene than the one in the secular world, where many people date with the intention of companionship (either long-term or temporary) and the approach is most definitely hands-on. This is not to say that people don’t date for marriage outside of the Orthodox world, but typically, people take more time and sometimes live together (and even have kids together) before making it official.

But here’s the question: Does Shidduch dating really produce happier marriages? Can a couple who have dated for only a couple of weeks really know each other well enough to decide to spend the rest of their lives with the other person? Isn’t taking time to get to know someone a wiser move before committing to them for the rest of your life?

The answers to these questions are certainly not simple. Statistically speaking, there is a significantly lower divorce rate in the Orthodox world than in the secular world. The families are typically close-knit units that, ideally, rest on spiritual foundations with specific, shared goals. But that may not mean that every marriage is necessarily a “happier” one. Some people may marry and a few years down the line feel it wasn’t the best choice for them, but with a few kids and a mortgage it is easier to stick it out. Not that that doesn’t happen in the secular world, too, but in the Orthodox world, divorce is considered a last last resort. Some would even say that there is a stigma around it (just ask my husband). But is it that much better outside of Orthodoxy? The divorce rate has reached 60 percent today. There are couples who live together for years and then divorce months after getting married, couples who are engaged for long periods and then break it off within weeks of the wedding, people who spend years moving from partner to partner, trying to find that “right fit” that constantly seems to elude them.
That said, I also happen to know of several beautiful, extremely loving and happy marriages in both camps, young frum kids who married only a few weeks after dating, and couples who dated for years before getting hitched.

I wish I could tell you that the dilemma was resolved in one single lunchtime conversation, but it wasn’t. Those living a Torah life hold that shidduch dating is a vital part of building strong, stable marriages that create families steeped in Torah values. Those who don’t live a Torah life may see it differently. My personal experience is a quirky one because although we were both Orthodox (or getting there), Shuie and I met and fell in love secular-style, right out of some goofy romantic comedy and we’ve been blissfully happy ever since. However, we also got engaged and married VERY quickly, within six months. We felt that since we knew without a doubt that the other was our soulmate, there was really no point in waiting to spend the rest of our lives together. Marriage is a gamble no matter when you decide to do it. Life changes people, things happen and challenges come up, and it’s going to get hard sometimes. No amount of waiting is going to protect me from that. From my experience, the storms of life are easier to bear knowing that the person I am meant to be with is one-hundred-percent committed to riding them out with me. And for me, knowing clearly what kind of family and life my husband and I are trying to build together makes the journey there much more joyful.

Sunday morning I went to my first Veil Painting class, taught by Miriam Leibowitz, the wife of Shuie’s rabbi at Sulam Yaakov. In Veil Painting, you use watercolors on wet canvas, the first layer very light and then each subsequent layer a little darker to create texture and explore what images come up. It was initially very difficult for me because there was no set form; we were told to just play with it, like kids with paint. I like having direction and structure. I am also intimidated by art classes in general since I was never the fine artist in my house; my mother was a pastel artist and my sister draws beautifully. However, after a while, the process of painting took over and I was able to just enjoy it. I am a big believer in the therapeutic power of art, and this class was no exception. By the time I left, I was as mellow as a summer afternoon. Shira and I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Bug make trouble and reading him his new favorite book, “Reading Makes You Feel Good” about 3 dozen times.

This morning I went to a meeting and met with my tutor, who says I am currently on the cusp of the “Sefer Barrier”, meaning, within a very short time I’ll be able to start learning myself! Elana brought me to her house today, a funky old two-story building in Givat Sha’ul that she bought 26 years ago, when the area was completely underdeveloped and inhabited mostly by Yemenite Jews. Since then, a massive bakery and high-rise apartment buildings have sprouted up around her, making her place looks like a dusty, stone dollhouse. I couldn’t help but think of the movie “Up”, when the old man’s tiny, decades-old house is sandwiched between two skyscrapers. When I asked Elana if she’d ever think about moving, she told me that buying a place as a single woman in Israel is a traumatic beyond traumatic experience because everyone will take advantage of you. As much as she would love to go someplace else, she will never subject herself to it again. With the little experience I have of relocating in Israel, I can completely understand her reluctance to move.

Tomorrow I am dragging Shira along with me to Leah’s class so she can see what I’m so obsessed with, and then she and Shuie will watch Yonah while go to therapy in the afternoon. Can I just say I am loving having an extra pair of hands around? Now if I can convince Shira to stick around just a bit longer…