My dear friend Danielle wrote to me the other day to tell me that she is hosting a seder for people recovering in Alcoholics Anonymous and she was looking for some resources that she could use. Aside from a couple of websites that I knew are loaded with information, what immediately hit me was a story in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous called, “Freedom From Bondage”. The story is about a woman who never learned how to cope with life and expected that the sense of well-being she was looking for was somewhere outside of herself. She burned through men, money and, of course, copious amounts of alcohol, traveling around the world until she finally bottomed out and came to AA in her thirties. It was there that she finally realized that she was trapped inside of herself, and no amount of running would ever give her the escape she was seeking so desperately. Aside from helping other alcoholics, she dedicated herself to building trust and reliance on God and to cultivating peace and wholeness within herself.

The parallels between this story and Passover, the holiday that commemorates the Jews’ freedom from bondage, are pretty obvious. However, one of the requirements of the Passover holiday is to feel as if you experienced the Exodus from Egypt personally. I’ll be honest; I have to work pretty hard to conjure up images of myself in a raw linen shift tied with rope, some piping hot matza stuffed under one arm, Yonah, a tombourine (women brought tambourines out of Egypt with them so they could celebrate when the Exodus was official) and probably some kind of heiroglyphic gossip mag for the road in the other, waiting for Uncle Moses to split the sea. But when I think of the woman in that story, the idea of exodus from slavery becomes as real as my hands.

As it turns out, today, the first day of Passover, is also the 6-year anniversary of recovery in Overeaters Anonymous. Six years ago I stopped eating flour and sugar, drinking alcohol and using drugs. There are many people out there who may not understand the power of food addiction or compulsive overeating — “Why don’t you just not eat it?” one astute doctor suggested — I assure you that it is just as intense and dangerous as, say, a nasty crack habit. At my worst, I was morbidly obese and holed up in my apartment, spending my days bingeing, purging, and contemplating the quickest, most painless way to kill myself. I was resentful at everyone, fearful of everything, and completely obsessed with myself and how I was going to get my next fix. As my friend Margaret likes to describe it, “I was a big ball of suicidal fun”. As much as I wanted to stop, I was physically incapable. Plus, deep down, I didn’t really want to stop because that would mean feeling all the feelings I was trying to numb out on 5,000 calories a day and enough pot to knock out a dromedary.

The moment I finally was able to pick myself and start getting my life together, it really was a miracle. It was like a light switch turned on in my head, all by itself. I knew, somewhere deep inside, beyond the desperate cravings and emotional chaos, that there was something more powerful than me that was going to take care of me from here on out. I didn’t know what that something was, only that it was there. All I had to do was stay clean and take it a day at a time. It felt like, for the first time in my life, I had woken up. I haven’t used since. More importantly, I’ve managed (somewhat) to get out of my own head and let go of some of the selfishness and self-will that made me so sick in the first place. I can actually make commitments to people — and keep them. I can raise children without them dying of neglect. I can look people in the eye today and, except for a few choice days when I haven’t slept enough, like myself as a person. If that isn’t freedom from bondage, I don’t know what is.

I think we all have things that constrain us, to which we are slaves: materialism, gossip, depression, ego, negative thinking, television, internet, the list goes on. For me, the spirit of Passover is the belief that no matter what binds us, God can and will relieve us of it, if we let Him. We can be set free, just like our ancestors in Egypt. So, with that thought, I wish all of you an inspiring, renewing Passover and a Happy Anniversary to me.