I haven’t officially mentioned the debate that has been going on in my house for the past several weeks on the blog because I felt it was best to keep it mum until a final decision was made. Well, we finally did it: Last night, Shuie and I agreed to come home. I booked our tickets today and we fly back to the States on Wednesday, December 30th. For those of you who didn’t see this one coming, all I can say is that this trip has been a lot tougher than I had thought it was going to be. I didn’t know I was pregnant when we planned our year in Israel, nor did I know I was going to be sick for almost our entire stay or that I would be wrestling with impairing depression and doubts. I also didn’t know that it was going to cost so damn much to live here.

I wish I could say that this decision was a simple one, but it wasn’t. My husband is very happy here and feels like he has a community he belongs to. However, he is able to complete his program in the States and Gd willing will do so by the summer or next fall the latest. For Shuie, our time here has been a long-needed shot in the arm. For me, it has been the opposite.

I have often chided myself for being too weak or not passionate enough about my goals here to keep pushing for them, or that maybe I don’t have enough faith that things will get better and that I’m a coward for not sticking it out. I also wonder if I’m being selfish for dragging my husband across the world, asking him to leave his daughters and then changing my mind about the whole thing. But after almost four months of wrestling, I feel wrung out. All I want now is the comfort of home and the faces of people who know and love me, and to have some sense of peace before this baby comes. I guess sometimes you have to travel to a foreign country to realize all you really wanted was home.

But I’m not naive. I know a lot of the feelings I have been wrestling with here will follow me to America. I also know that it will still be isolated for me at the house in Cape Cod, where we’re going to be living until we figure out our next step. But I have to hope that going home will provide some sense of comfort for me and that maybe it will be easier to heal with a network of support instead of trying to manage it on my own.

Other than our flight being booked and our ultimate destination determined, the plan is still up in the air. Shuie will be finishing his program, though where yet I’m not sure. As for me, I have no idea what I’m going to do. Getting a job is tricky because I’m having the baby in four months, so at this point I’m focusing on getting our stuff sold or packed and shipping out. I’ll have to deal with the rest when we come to it.

So, my friends, I’m afraid that my blog will not be nearly as exciting as it had been or might have been, had circumstances been different. But if there is still a demand, I’ll be happy to write life back in the States, pregnancy, Mommying, dealing with grief, whatever. You’ll let me know.