Yesterday I spent the afternoon at Yeshivat Simchat Shlomo, the school named after Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach. I sat in on three classes given by an amazing teacher named Rochel Rena Silber, one on Tehillim (psalms), one on Torah and Healing and one on Jewish Current Events. This last one in particular completely blew my mind because R. Silber spoke about this week’s Torah portion, Noach (the story of Noah), and how his building of the ark has messages that pertain to us, today, in our own lives. For example, she taught that the “Gopher Wood” that Gd asked Noah to use had special significance because the word “Gopher” in Hebrew has the same root as the word “Gophrit”, sulfur. This is essentially trying to tell us that the things in which we put our trust and reliance (wood being the substance from which we construct our homes and “security), can also destroy us from the inside. Not that I believe in coincidences, but I found it very interesting that she happened to give that particular example. So, thank Gd, I know where I will be spending my Monday afternoons from here on out.

It’s a strange feeling knowing that you’re physically in the place you wanted to be, doing the things you thought you wanted to be doing, and still feeling stuck. I never would have guessed that I would have to work so hard to feel inspired here in Israel, or that I would feel so ambivalent about everything. I am completely jealous of my husband who is taking off like a rocket, overjoyed with the opportunity to be learning again, drinking up every second of being here and is just so, so happy. I wish I could be like that, but historically speaking these things have never come easily for me. Maybe it’s just dealing with everything that is going on — grief, transition, pregnancy, wife- and motherhood — and maybe not. I suppose when the year is over I will look back on this time and see that it had something to teach me, but for right now I just feel like I’m in the dark, reaching blindly ahead to make sure I don’t fall.