For those of you on the edge of your seats, I hate to tell you that L.B. has yet to make an appearance. I’ve been having some intense contractions, but nothing too exciting. My midwife Becca will be by in a bit so we’ll see if she thinks anything’s brewing.

The waiting, meanwhile, has been playing some tricks with me and getting me nervous about the upcoming painfest I’ll be enduring soon enough. One painful contraction yesterday and I thought, “Just Kidding! Take me to the hospital!”. Luckily, I got an email this morning from fellow blogger and acquaintance Chana Weisberg in Israel, who just wrote an article about “The Top Ten Tips for a Drug- and Pain-Free Childbirth”. Quite auspicious. Reading it, I was reminded that most of this is going to be all about attitude. If I get scared and convince myself I “can’t” do it, my body will tense up and make it a lot worse. If I can remind myself to be calm and remember that this pain isn’t pathological, but part of a natural process, I can stay relaxed and take each contraction as it comes. So today I will be playing cheerleader for myself, only without the skimpy clothes and backflips (wouldn’t that be something?).

As the birth gets closer I can’t help but think about the fact that my mother will not be here with me, physically, anyway. There’s still a small part of me that thinks she’s gone on a trip and that she’ll come back eventually. How can someone so integral to who I am not be present for the most momentous occasions of my life? I do believe that she’ll be watching over everything and that she’ll be there in spirit, but in my “Poor Me” moments I can still feel gypped, picturing myself as a crumple-faced preschooler hugging his blankie and wailing, “I want my Mommy!”. And yet, I’m not angry anymore. And I don’t feel helpless at the prospect of facing this experience without her. In fact, I think, as hard as it will be, I will be able to handle the labor and the birth and juggling two kids, one day at a time. I have many people here who care about me and who will help me. And while it won’t be the same as it would have been, it will have to be what it is. So while there is sadness and regret, there is also peace.

Sending love and condolences to our dear friend Jane Haar, who lost her mother Rae a few days ago. The Haars have been a part of my family’s lives for over two decades, living down the street from us when we were growing up. Jane and my mother were best friends, and Jane’s daughter Ali is one of mine. When my mother passed away last year, they drove all the way to the Cape from NJ to spend the day reminiscing with us about all the wonderful times we’ve shared. They are very special friends and I am truly sorry for their loss.

And so the cycle continues. At this time last year, my mother lay dying in her bedroom, only a few yards away from where I’m sitting right now. And now, as another soul leaves the world, another prepares to arrive. Let’s hope the new one shows up sometime soon.