This morning I dropped Yonah off with his new mitapelet, Ruchama — a very successful first day, I’m pleased to report — and headed off to Simchat Shlomo for a morning of classes with powerhouse Leah Golomb. Leah is a New Jersey native and older hippie who was a follower of Reb Shlomo Carlebach and made aliyah to Israel over 30 years ago. She is a long-time resident of Moshav Modi’in and an absolutely amazing teacher. Not only is her knowledge base astounding, but she has a dynamic style that makes the most ancient teachings immediate and deeply personal. And, she’s really funny.

I was completely inspired watching Leah in action, not only by what she was teaching, but because I want to do what she does one day in very much a similar fashion. More and more I’m realizing that one of my personal gifts is the ability to communicate and give over ideas; I’m hoping to eventually use it to inspire other women. I’m making a concerted effort to surround myself with women like Leah while I’m here so that I can learn as much as I can from them.

In between classes, my friend Batsheva and I were chatting about our kids. I was bragging about Yonah, of course, saying what a delightful kid he is, how happy and easygoing his disposition. “My son was like that,” Batsheva said. “But he had a hard time after my daughter was born”. I suddenly felt this rock of anxiety settle in my chest: “How are things going to change when the next one comes?”

Later, Yonah, Shuie and I met up for my first-trimester ultrasound. As soon as the bouncing Bean showed up on the screen, I felt the anxiety kicking up again. Yonah was extra squirmy and overtired during the appointment and all I could think was, “How am I going to be able to take care of TWO?”. I finally feel like I have a groove with Yonah; I have a nice balance between my own life and mommyhood. What’s going to happen when another one comes into the picture? I look at mothers here with five, six, TEN kids and I’m mystified by how they do it. Then, of course, there’s the prospect of resettling in the States after the new baby comes, Gd willing. The thought of travelling and starting over with a three-month-old and a two-year-old is already exhausting me. And what if I have to go back to work?

Now, I have enough experience in freaking out to know that if I want to live a sane and useful life I have to stay in the moment. I know I am not ready for another baby RIGHT NOW; I have six more months to prepare. I know that Gd doesn’t give me anything I can’t handle, but man, this is a biggie.

Of course, these are the moments when I miss my mother the most. I wish I could call her so she could assure me that everything will be fine and that she knows I can handle it. When I was pregnant with Yonah I told her I was afraid I was too selfish to be a good mom. “You’ll see,” she said. “The minute you see his face your whole life will change”. She was right. So I suppose I have to just think of what she would probably say and take strength from that. “Two is nothing,” she’s probably tell me. “I had four kids under the age of five and I lived to tell about it”.

Change is so scary, isn’t it? But at the same time, it’s kind of amazing what life brings my way. Take the little baby I saw on the ultrasound today. Four months ago that baby didn’t exist. Now it’s hopping and dancing in my uterus as if Prince is being wired in on full blast. And the best part? Yonah waved hi to it! Look at this cast of characters Gd has brought into my life in only three years: Shuie, Yonah, L.B. (Little Bean), my stepdaughters Sima Ellie and Huvi, and the myriad of friends I’ve made from all over the globe. If you had told me three years ago that I’d be married, a mother, a stepmother, an orthodox Jew AND residing in a foreign country, I probably would have had a meltdown, wondering how I could handle so much. But I suppose I took it all on one baby step at a time. This new baby is just the next step. As my friend just told me over the phone, “You have the anxiety and suffer now, but when it happens, it’s completely different from what you expected”.

Here’s hoping.